This would be my dating site profile

Here’s a little something about me. I like cats, but I also don’t mind dogs. I wear glasses only because putting on glasses is easier than putting in contact lenses, and way easier than performing laser eye surgery on myself. Top ten lists are my #1 most hated thing. Not following jokes through to their logical conclusion is my #11th. Movies are fun and all, but I’d rather drive past a really good accident. Learning something new makes the day just the tiniest bit worth it. I find spur-of-the-moment experiences are the most fun, especially when they gloriously devolve from the best of well-made plans. If I make a joke that no one gets, I play it off as a profound statement, even if it’s really just a bad pun. Firefighters get lots of axtion.

I’m my own worst nightmare, but only when I’m asleep. Otherwise I’m my own worst daydream. As an atheist, I’m constantly paranoid that God is out to get me. I play videogames not because I find them fun, but because there are so many noobs out there, and someone has to own them all. It’s my solemn responsibility. I hate clich├ęs. I love long walks on the beach. I enjoy writing, regardless of whether anyone ends up reading it. Self-replicating machines fascinate me, but the closest I’ve ever come was a Lego spaceship that “replicated” into many smaller components after I accidentally dropped it.

Unfortunately, I’m funny only when I try not to be.

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