How not to survive the coming zombie apocalypse

I’ve been thinking about zombies a lot recently, and I’ve come to another revelation that I feel that I must share to help others survive the coming zombie apocalypse. Remember, helping others to survive the zombie apocalypse is in your own best interests, because each of your fellow citizens that does survive makes one less potential zombie trying to chew down your door.

I was talking with a friend who is working in a hospital, and I got to thinking, a hospital has to be the worst place to be when the zombie apocalypse breaks out. And only the terminally stupid would head to a hospital during the outbreak, although it is very important to carefully distinguish between a zombie apocalypse and a regular apocalypse such as a plague. Hospitals do sound appealing; after all, they have all sorts of medical supplies and trained personnel, which you might naively expect would be useful during an outbreak of the living dead. But that kind of thinking is dead wrong. Actually, it’s worse than dead wrong; it won’t merely get you killed, it will get you turned into a zombie yourself — the only fate worse than death.

Zombieism is not reversible, nor is it curable. All of the medicine in the world won’t make a difference; once someone is bitten, they will become a zombie, and once they are a zombie, they’re never coming back. The only way to “cure” zombies is to destroy their brain, preferably at a great distance with firearms (so you’re outside of bite range). Thus, a hospital is completely worthless during a zombie outbreak because it has all the wrong sorts of tools. You’d be much better off on a military base, at a gun store, or in a junkyard crane operating a compactor.

The doctors and nurses you will find at a typical hospital have all the wrong instincts for dealing with a zombie apocalypse. During the beginning of the zombie apocalypse — before media outlets get the word out — zombies will be mistaken for trauma victims, what with their pallid flesh and gaping, bloody wounds. Hospital personnel will naively try to help the zombies rather than slaying them outright, probably getting bitten in the process. And then look what you have to deal with for foolishly trying to ride out the zombie apocalypse in a hospital — zombie doctors and zombie nurses in addition to the regular variety!

Hospitals, by their very nature, will have much higher concentrations of zombies than just about anywhere else besides cemeteries during the initial outbreak. Hospitals tend to store lots of corpses in them, which are just ticking timebombs waiting to reanimate as soon as the zombie apocalypse comes. And hospitals are also packed full of lots of weak, injured, and old people who will not be able to put up a good fight against the zombies, and will thus quickly become infected themselves. So the zombies will start on site with a seed population in the morgue and will then quickly take over a large proportion of the hospital patient population.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, even more zombies will inadvertently be brought to the hospital. Most people simply aren’t smart enough to think about and prepare for the zombie apocalypse beforehand, so until media outlets start widely reporting what is actually going on and how to deal with it (destroy the brain!), the general populace will be in the dark. Many “injured” people will be brought to the hospital during the first few hours of the outbreak who are, in fact, zombies or soon-to-be zombies. So not only do you have zombie doctors, zombie nurses, and zombie patients, but you have an influx of zombies from the surrounding community as well. It’s the perfect storm of zombies, and you don’t want to be anywhere near it.

So there you have it, all of the scientific reasons to stay far away from hospitals in the event of the zombie apocalypse. If you unluckily happen to be at a hospital while the outbreak occurs, flee as quickly as possible. The normal advice is to stay put and hole up in a defensive position wherever you happen to be when the zombie apocalypse occurs, but there will be so many zombies in a hospital in short order that the better course of action is to go mobile. Get armed, group up with uninfected people (safety in numbers!), and ride out the zombie apocalypse in a defensible location with a lot of supplies, such as a Wal-Mart. But stick around in a hospital and you’re zombie fodder for sure.

7 Responses to “How not to survive the coming zombie apocalypse”

  1. Lee Kinkade Says:

    Actually, we have documented cases of hospitals creating zombies. This happens when someone who believes in zombies, or more relevantly, whose family believes in zombies, have their organs used for donation. Those zombie organs live on after the death of some believer, sometimes even when their opposition to organ donation was previously documented. This has happened against the patient and patient’s family’s wishes several times.

  2. Kelly Martin Says:

    While we’re on the topic of zombies, http://xkcd.com/348/. :)

  3. Cyde Weys Says:

    Be honest, is anyone else here entertained by this zombie stuff as much as I am, or should I just banish the subject and never cover it again?

  4. William Says:

    I like it.

  5. Cyde Weys Says:

    Alrighty then, here comes Zombie Month at Cyde Weys Musings!

    Nah, just kidding. I pretty much already ran out of zombie material. I have to replenish my reserves.

  6. jake Says:

    wen are they coming because im scared but prepared

  7. mikey Says:

    when this happens just come find me mikey dean i know everything on how to survive it so i can give you food shelter i promise your with me U WILL LIVE