Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Because making fun of emos is fun

Friday, February 22nd, 2008

Q: What’s a suicidal teen’s favorite vehicle?

A: An emo moped.

Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all decade.

I work for a great company

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

I work for a great company. How do I know? This email just went out to everyone in the office:

Hi everyone,

Nate and Andre have requested fifteen (15) pieces of Popeyes fried chicken each for Thursday, so they can have their long-awaited showdown (what I like to refer to as the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre). I wanted to give everyone a heads up so 1. If you planned on working from home, now you have a reason not to, 2. If you want to throw down with these two titans, inform me so I can also order you fifteen (15) pieces of Popeyes, and 3. If you want Popeyes, I’ll be taking orders tomorrow morning. Or, you can email me with requests before noon on Wednesday.

Let’s have a good 2008, in terms of massive quantities of unhealthy food.

Yeah, that’s right, we do eating contests. At the company meeting last week, Andre won the company-wide “Work Hard, Eat Harder” award. Now Nate is attempting to dethrone them. This is a rematch of their previous battle, in which Nate won by eating nine pieces of fried chicken in ten minutes. This time there will be no time limit though.

You got your zombie in my Pride and Prejudice!

Monday, February 11th, 2008

This has to be the best contest ever: Take a paragraph from a book and add a zombie. Think about how that might work for a few seconds, then read an example of how it works with a Jane Austen novel. Pure awesome. I cannot believe nobody’s ever done this before.

I shan’t be entering the contest, but I most definitely will be zombifying a famous work of literature and posting it here for your (hopeful) enjoyment. How could I not? This is the best idea ever.

AA-12: The anti-zombie overkill shotgun

Wednesday, February 6th, 2008

Regular readers of Cyde Weys Musings may recall that I have a mind-consuming fascination with zombies. Although I haven’t written about zombies in a little while, I assure you, they are no less of a frequent topic in my internal musings. So naturally, when I saw this clip from the television show Future Weapons talking about the AA-12 Combat Shotgun, I immediately thought of its effectiveness as an anti-zombie weapon.

The AA-12 is a fully automatic shotgun firing 300 rounds per minute that can use 20 or 40 round drum magazines. It uses an advanced recoilless firing system that nearly reduces recoil to zero (or so the manufacturer claims, but the video above looks pretty convincing). And it can be loaded out with the full range of 12 gauge military shotgun shells, including fin-stabilized fragmentation grenades with an effective range of 200 meters. Yeah, that’s right, a shotgun that can fire grenades. 40 of them. In 8 seconds. Run!

Obviously the AA-12 would have no problem whatsoever in taking out zombies. But its greatest strengths may also be its greatest weaknesses. The consensus amongst zombie scientists is that when the coming zombie apocalypse arrives, the type of zombie we will be faced with will be the slow zombie. Fully automatic thus becomes worse than unnecessary as it leads to a greater waste of ammunition. And as we all know, conserving supplies, and especially ammunition, is all important during the zombie apocalypse, especially because you may end up facing off hordes of hundreds of zombies before it is all over. The weight of ammunition is important to consider when going mobile; on a per-zombie-kill basis, shotgun shells are less efficient than, say, rifle ammunition.

So keep the AA-12 on semi-automatic when dealing with slow zombies. And at least the fragmentation grenades will prove useful against zombies, allowing you to take out many zombies with a single well-aimed shell. And the AA-12’s rugged design, with all stainless steel parts, means it won’t require much maintenance or cleaning. Every second you don’t have to spend cleaning the weapon is another second you can use it to shoot any zombies munching on your legs — an obvious huge advantage.

Unlikely as the possibility may be, we do have to consider fast zombies. If the zombies in the coming zombie apocalypse are fast zombies, then all bets are off. If you can’t put a lot of rounds on target very quickly, ammunition conservation won’t even matter. The AA-12 would be unrivaled in such a situation. Remember, zombies have to close to melee range before they can hurt you, and shotguns are the king of close-range weaponry. And with 40 rounds in the drum magazine, you can take out a lot more zombies before reloading than you could with a typical pump-action or civilian autoloader shotgun.

Homeopathic laundry detergent?!

Sunday, January 20th, 2008

Are there no depths to which snake oil salesmen won’t sink to in marketing useless, fraudulent products to the American public?

Bountiful Crystals is a cutting-edge revolution in laundry detergent science. Now, with one bottle of our product, you’ll never need to buy laundry detergent ever again! Here’s how it works. Bountiful Crystals is a specially formulated crystal-based detergent designed to imbue water with its cleansing patterns. Simply use Bountiful Crystals as you would any other laundry detergent, but when the bottle reaches half empty, top it up with distilled water, shake vigorously ten times, and continue using it as normal! This process is called dynamization. The cleansing potential of Bountiful Crystals will never falter, no matter how many dynamizations are performed!

Bountiful Crystals brings the proven scientific power of homeopathy into a novel area of your life: home cleaning! And it’s better than mainstream laundry detergent, too. Whereas mainstream laundry detergents have harsh detergents and bleaches in them known to cause skin irritation and cancer, our Bountiful Crystals product only stores the patterns of the clothes-cleansing molecules in the water after repeated dynamizations. All of the same cleaning power with none of the skin irritation — or cancer!

The best thing is, our Bountiful Crystals laundry detergent is available for the low, low price of only $99.99! (Or four installments of $33.33!) Think of it as an investment. It’s the last laundry detergent you’ll ever need to buy, and you’ll save money over mainstream detergents within a year. So what are you waiting for? Get free of the tyranny of the leading laundry detergent manufacturers today, with Bountiful Crystals!

How not to survive the coming zombie apocalypse

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

I’ve been thinking about zombies a lot recently, and I’ve come to another revelation that I feel that I must share to help others survive the coming zombie apocalypse. Remember, helping others to survive the zombie apocalypse is in your own best interests, because each of your fellow citizens that does survive makes one less potential zombie trying to chew down your door.

I was talking with a friend who is working in a hospital, and I got to thinking, a hospital has to be the worst place to be when the zombie apocalypse breaks out. And only the terminally stupid would head to a hospital during the outbreak, although it is very important to carefully distinguish between a zombie apocalypse and a regular apocalypse such as a plague. Hospitals do sound appealing; after all, they have all sorts of medical supplies and trained personnel, which you might naively expect would be useful during an outbreak of the living dead. But that kind of thinking is dead wrong. Actually, it’s worse than dead wrong; it won’t merely get you killed, it will get you turned into a zombie yourself — the only fate worse than death.

Zombieism is not reversible, nor is it curable. All of the medicine in the world won’t make a difference; once someone is bitten, they will become a zombie, and once they are a zombie, they’re never coming back. The only way to “cure” zombies is to destroy their brain, preferably at a great distance with firearms (so you’re outside of bite range). Thus, a hospital is completely worthless during a zombie outbreak because it has all the wrong sorts of tools. You’d be much better off on a military base, at a gun store, or in a junkyard crane operating a compactor.

The doctors and nurses you will find at a typical hospital have all the wrong instincts for dealing with a zombie apocalypse. During the beginning of the zombie apocalypse — before media outlets get the word out — zombies will be mistaken for trauma victims, what with their pallid flesh and gaping, bloody wounds. Hospital personnel will naively try to help the zombies rather than slaying them outright, probably getting bitten in the process. And then look what you have to deal with for foolishly trying to ride out the zombie apocalypse in a hospital — zombie doctors and zombie nurses in addition to the regular variety!

Hospitals, by their very nature, will have much higher concentrations of zombies than just about anywhere else besides cemeteries during the initial outbreak. Hospitals tend to store lots of corpses in them, which are just ticking timebombs waiting to reanimate as soon as the zombie apocalypse comes. And hospitals are also packed full of lots of weak, injured, and old people who will not be able to put up a good fight against the zombies, and will thus quickly become infected themselves. So the zombies will start on site with a seed population in the morgue and will then quickly take over a large proportion of the hospital patient population.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, even more zombies will inadvertently be brought to the hospital. Most people simply aren’t smart enough to think about and prepare for the zombie apocalypse beforehand, so until media outlets start widely reporting what is actually going on and how to deal with it (destroy the brain!), the general populace will be in the dark. Many “injured” people will be brought to the hospital during the first few hours of the outbreak who are, in fact, zombies or soon-to-be zombies. So not only do you have zombie doctors, zombie nurses, and zombie patients, but you have an influx of zombies from the surrounding community as well. It’s the perfect storm of zombies, and you don’t want to be anywhere near it.

So there you have it, all of the scientific reasons to stay far away from hospitals in the event of the zombie apocalypse. If you unluckily happen to be at a hospital while the outbreak occurs, flee as quickly as possible. The normal advice is to stay put and hole up in a defensive position wherever you happen to be when the zombie apocalypse occurs, but there will be so many zombies in a hospital in short order that the better course of action is to go mobile. Get armed, group up with uninfected people (safety in numbers!), and ride out the zombie apocalypse in a defensible location with a lot of supplies, such as a Wal-Mart. But stick around in a hospital and you’re zombie fodder for sure.

Revisiting one of my terrible first attempts at writing science fiction

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

I’m a digital pack rat. I have everything I’ve ever written on a computer squirreled away on my current computer, including over a dozen years of homework assignments. It’s not too hard to do. Each time I’ve upgraded computers, I’ve simply copied the Documents folder on the old computer into the new Documents folder on the new computer. In this way, I have them nested several deep, and delving farther into the nesting of my Documents folders is like peeling back the archaeological layers and looking further and further into my past. This is possible because hard drive space has increased exponentially over the years (my current computer’s hard drives store 400GB each; my first computer’s, 100MB).

Every now and again I look back through my old documents to refresh myself on how I once was. Memories fade with time, but the things I’ve written haven’t changed at all in these intermittent years, and give my present self an enlightening window into my past. Recently, I was looking through my documents from eighth grade (nine years ago) and I came across a science fiction short story I wrote that I still vaguely remembered to this day. Now, if anyone else were to do what I am about to do, I would call foul, saying they had no right to make fun of my work from when I was just a kid, still learning how to write. But since I’m doing it to myself, I have the freedom to be as merciless as the sheer awfulness of my work merits.

I’m going to spare you the displeasure of reading the whole thing. Here’s an excerpt.

As Blop went outside to chat with his friends, something horribly fiendish was happening right outside of the Lyloxian solar system. Something big was going on; a convention of ships. Not any ships, though, for these were the flagships of the Baborian Navy. Destroyers and battleships kept on appearing out of the blue mist that was hyperspace. The ships all seemed to have a focal point. They were meeting on the spatial coordinates (342.007, 486.430, 477.573). Their target was the homeworld of the binary starsystem Zol, comprised of the stars Unan and Uras, Unan being the larger one. Their target was Lyloxia. They meant business. Rarg had specifically stated that he wanted the inhabitants of Lyloxia eradicated completely so that a living colony could be set up.

There are so many things wrong with this single paragraph that it would be impossible to list all of them, so let’s cover the most grievous. Back then, my idea of science fiction seemed to be constituted mainly of aliens, weird unpronounceable names, spaceships (of course!), and meaningless technobabble numbers (you can tell I watched an unhealthy amount of Star Trek as a youth). I picked this excerpt because it is representative, not because it is especially egregious. The whole story was like this. Each new sentence reveals a fresh smattering of random letters I’d pulled directly from my ass. Out of the 2,556 words in this story, my spell checker doesn’t recognize 188. That’s 7.4%!

Read the rest of this entry »

Zombies are coming

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

I’ve discovered this excellent blog called Zombies Are Coming (which is now on my blogroll). It’s written on the subject of, what else, the coming zombie apocalypse (a subject that fascinates me as well). But these people take the whole concept very seriously, almost to a worrying degree. That’s why the site is such a hoot. Let’s take a brief tour as we answer all of your zombie apocalypse questions, shall we?

This site should be mandatory reading for all inhabitants of the United States. Not only will your unprepared neighbors not survive the coming zombie apocalypse, they will become zombies that will actively hunt you down and eat your brains. Thus, it is in your own self-interest to educate everyone in your neighborhood on how to survive the coming zombie apocalypse so that the damage from it is mitigated. For every household you educate in your neighborhood, that’s on average two fewer zombies coming to chew down your door. If you’re still having trouble with the concept, here’s a simple phrase you can repeat to yourself: Four zombies bad, two zombies good. Four zombies bad, two zombies good.

But the best part about Zombies Are Coming is the comments. I can’t tell if they’re serious or not. One commenter cites his determination to get his Mobile Zombie Preparedness Kit together soon; another says he has enough firearms, ammunition, food, and water to survive several months in an apocalypse scenario. Just be glad humanity is graced with the likes of these intrepid zombie survivalists, because when the coming zombie apocalypse finally does come, we will all depend on them for humanity’s survival.

My mind-consuming fascination with zombies

Monday, January 7th, 2008

I’m fascinated with zombies. I cannot explain why. I’m not a horror film buff at all (and indeed, I haven’t even seen the vast majority of zombie flicks ever committed to film). Yet thoughts of zombies constantly flit through my mind. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I frequently think of how to survive the coming zombie apocalypse. And yet, regrettably, I don’t even have a shotgun, which is by far the best anti-zombie weapon available to the average consumer, as determined by zombie experts (and if you didn’t know this, geez, where have you been?). So I definitely need to get a shotgun to deal with the zombie apocalypse when (not if) it comes. And you know I’m seriously fascinated with zombies, because I don’t even know if I’m joking when I say that.

I have had some seriously weird dreams revolving around zombies. They’re multi-hour affairs, and continue to take place for many minutes even after I’ve woken up. My most recent dream took place in a post-zombie apocalypse New York City. Yes, there were massive casualties, but order was eventually restored and life continued on, with one minor exception: zombies remained a lingering threat, especially at night (you didn’t think we would manage to take out all of the zombies in one fell swoop, did you?). It was just like how you might currently be afraid of being attacked by a mugger at 3 am on a seedy side street, except in my dream, the attackers were zombies, and they weren’t after your valuables, but rather, wanted to eat your brains. So in that sense, it was a bit scarier than contemporary New York City.

The best part of that dream, though, was how the everyday NYPD took on secondary anti-zombie duties. In the dream, I became surrounded by zombies in a dark alleyway (I don’t know what I was doing there). But luckily, the police arrived at the last second and saved me. Now, normally, the police would arrest alleged criminals, but since we are dealing with zombies here, they killed them on the spot. So the police function as judge, jury, and executioner in this post-apocalypse version of New York City, at least as far as zombies are concerned. And why shouldn’t they be? There’s no point in holding trials for zombies, since you know you’ve got to exterminate them all in the end anyway.

In addition to dreaming, I have many fully conscious thoughts about zombies, including how I would survive the coming zombie apocalypse. My ultimate zombie survival plan is this: two autoloader shotguns, a chest full of ammunition, a dependable slicing melee weapon such as a longsword (everyone knows you don’t bother trying to use bludgeoning weapons against zombies), and two weeks worth of food and water. The key to my plan is that all of these supplies are kept on the second story of a building with only one staircase, such as your typical house. That way, all you have to do is defend the stairway (zombies aren’t dexterous enough to climb the sheer vertical exterior walls of a building). And since zombies are noted for their slow movement, especially when trying to tackle stairs, you’d have a generous amount of time to take out each ascending zombie before it reached you. I suspect by the resolution of the zombie apocalypse you would have a huge pile of festering perforated zombie flesh at the bottom of your staircase, but meh, that’s unavoidable.

The reason for the second shotgun is so that you can conduct proper maintenance on one shotgun at a time without leaving you defenseless. After all, in a sustained zombie apocalypse situation, you may end up needing to fire hundreds of shells. A shotgun won’t hold up too well after going that long without cleaning. The melee weapon is in case things really go downhill. You never want to fight a zombie at melee range, but if it’s unavoidable, you’re much better off with a proper weapon than being stuck with just your fists. Just remember to aim your slashes to decapitate the zombie. You need to take out the head. A zombie with limbs sliced off will keep coming after you, but a headless zombie cannot.

And it might help to install one of these in your home:

Zombie apocalypse break glass

Wherein a fortune cookie instructs me to do the logically impossible

Monday, December 31st, 2007

Check out this logically impossible fortune cookie fortune I got from a Chinese restaurant last night:

Tomorrow, plan to be spontaneous.

I suppose they would also want me to achieve world peace through force, or fail to fail at everything, or list the members of the set containing exactly the sets that are not members of themselves.

Still, I do derive some satisfaction from knowing that somewhere out there is a fortune cookie fortune writer with a sense of humor who knows it’s all bunk, and reveals it by making an oxymoron into a fortune.